All the people who have met me in my lifetime would swear one thing about me; I am very much passionate and emotional about what I believe in. The last one year has been grossly unkind to me. I am jobless, at the bottommost point in my life so far and by far going through the least happening period. But I was able to see life in a whole new light quite unlike what I used to. I never used to lose an argument. Neither my friends nor my family members could tolerate me arguing. As Hari once said when I sense I am losing my case in a conversation I get angry thus preventing myself to be on the losing side. Last year just after our college we had a Global Leaders Summit in IIM Ahmedabad (it was a mock UN session). I had this argument with two of these hot chicks (my rule remains blonds are fools or simply beauty and brain can never coexist in a female body). I couldn’t tolerate them getting the focus of the group with their perfect accent and cute faces. So I figured out their flaws which was simply the absolute ignorance about UN( which by the way is not a cardinal sin) and its history. I brought up bait which they promptly caught in the session after our argument and as expected they were made to apologize on their complete lack of knowledge about UN proceedings. I remember relishing the shame on their cute faces. It was just one of those instances where I took an argument to a personal level and made a diatribe which would make any person think twice before having a conversation with me.
Fast forward one year and I have patiently listened to some of the worst insults showered upon me and that too without rebutting any of those. Some of them were so bad and harrowing that when my friends heard about them they were appalled by my numbness towards such verbal abuses. Many of them came from people close to me, which makes these vilification more special. I don’t know why I am listening to them. One thing is sure; I have started taking things more lightly. The bottom line is when you lose self respect you don’t care what people think or say about you. I don’t believe in the theory that ‘what you are is what you think about yourself’. The thoughts, comments and suggestions of the society have a profound effect on your character and mental state. Once you see that these things don’t have an effect, you should conclude that you don’t care where you are going. It is like catching a wrong train due north thinking it was going east and turning a deaf ear to all the fellow travellers who are telling you the train is going west. Their comments or instructions may be wrong, but you should atleast weigh the possibility of you being wrong.
A different way to look at it is I am trying to endure the pain rather than fight it. It is called fatalism. It is a really bad belief where you attribute all your successes and failure to destiny. A fatalist is a wimp who doesn’t believe in his strength, who cares least about failures and successes. I don’t make it a point to continue an argument or take it forward with people other than my really close friends. This is a huge departure from my real character. I see myself confused unable to figure why I am like this these days. I am not writing this as a sequel to my earlier depressing posts. It is an earnest attempt to figure out what has happened.
Has the gunthroat gone silent
But why, the gun is supposed to shoot
Has the gun gone out of bullets?
Has it run out of targets?
Has it gone rusty?
Or is it simply because the gun thinks it has turned to a feather?????